Wedded Wednesday 7/7/2010

Today I decided to do a bit of a rough diagnostic for you so that you can gauge if you're marriage may be in trouble. I should note that only you and your spouse know if your marriage is in trouble but the signs I am going to put on are entirely valid for things to do a quick marriage check up. It has been in my experience both as a married person and a therapist to know that these signs are valid for documenting some problems within a marriage relationship (or any romantic relationship)

Signs that you may need to see a Marriage Counselor:

1. You are not the person you have always been: If you think you have changed a lot since getting married and do not feel these changes are POSITIVE changes, perhaps you are trying to be someone you are not in order to meet someone else's needs. Discussing marital expectations is a great way to combat becoming someone else that you are NOT in marriage. Being able to be honest about who you are is half the greatness of being married. The other half is being loved for being that person.

2. You argue about really stupid things: My experience is that you have numerous fights about things that really don't matter...you are avoiding having fights about the things that really do matter. For example; you have started to fight a lot about what restaurant to choose on date night and you haven't had sex for over two months. My guess is, the fight is less about Olive Garden and more about "connecting physically" with your spouse.

3. You are feeling indifferent or apathetic instead of hurt or angry. I am not saying you should walk around being hurt and angry in a relationship but if things have started to not bother you that once would, you are checked out. Figure out why it doesn't bother you anymore by being honest about how much you actually care.

4. You hide a lot of things. Are you buying things and not telling your spouse that you spent the money? Are you meeting up with people that your spouse does not approve of? Are you loaning money to your family but not telling your spouse? These are all signs that there is no room for honesty and respect within your marriage. Ask yourself if you would like to be treated in this manner. I bet you wouldn't. If you are hiding things, there is always something amiss unless it's a new Diamond in which case...hide away Anthony.

5. You have a confidant who is not your spouse. Again, let's not be extreme. You are always allowed to have people you confide in and talk to including friends, family, and your friendly neighborhood therapist (shameless plug) but if you find that you are confiding in someone of the opposite sex or even same sex and you are expressing things that your spouse knows NOTHING about, there is an issue.

6. You insult each other in public. Although I think the "in public" is optional here, in public is the worst. Have you ever seen that couple when you are at Target and they are bickering and hurling insults at each other? Awkward! Not just is it awkward at Target, it's awkward at home. If you do not respect your spouse enough to present them in a good light in public, I fear what you do at home.

7. It gets physical. I will not even give one second to this one. You know it isn't right if someone is getting physical. This includes hitting objects, walls, or throwing things.

8. You need to do EVERYTHING together. As much as this doesn't SOUND like a problem. It is. Being able to be an individual and also a couple is crucial to good relationship health. There should be appropriate time to be together, time to be with friends/coworkers/family, and time to be ALONE. All of these are crucial for good health. I have to wonder what you are afraid of if being away from your spouse is frightening.

9. You do not do ANYTHING together. Just the opposite of the last sign, if you are like two ships passing in the night and it doesn't bother you....why doesn't it. This is supposed to be your best friend. For me, I love to see and hang out with my husband. Although I have friends, family, and myself to enjoy...He is my favorite!

10. Many of your fights are about people outside of the marriage. One word: Boundaries! It is important to understand that within a marriage; family members, friends, and others do not have rights to your marital information and certainly shouldn't be causing hardships. Keep that marriage FIRST!