A family Quote for you!

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

~Erma Bombeck

Mindfulness and stress

So, is there any time more than the holidays that creates stress? Granted, a lot of the stress is the happy kind like with Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, planning, house guests etc...but it is still stress and that is not so great for our bodies and minds. Today I wanted to introduce a topic that might make things a bit easier this holiday season.

MINDFULNESS

Mindfulness is the practice of becoming more fully aware of the present moment, non judgmentally and completely, rather than dwelling in the past or projecting into the future.

Mindfulness stems from eastern religions but it is something that anyone can do and adhere to of any faith. It is simply taking in every moment and being "in the now." This is not to say that you should not think of consequences of your actions or words but simply being able to be in the moment with things and not get too ahead of yourself.

During the holidays there are so many happy moments that get passed up to get to the next happy moment. An example is smaller events like putting up the tree, putting ornaments on, shopping for gifts, wrapping gifts, making out Christmas cards, etc...

I think that if we took the time to take in every moment with all of our senses and truly enjoy it and be mindful of what is happening, our happiness level this holiday season would raise exponentially. I challenge you this holiday season to be mindful! Enjoy those around you and take in every precious moment.

A cup of hers, A cup of his, and blend

Today I am doing a post about "Non-traditional" families, whatever that means. I am not sure that any of us are traditional anymore. Today, I mostly mean those families that are blended with step-parents, step-children, divorces, separations, and the like. I found an article talking about some tips of how to make the holidays the best possible given your situation. I thought they were pretty good so some of these are transplanted with my comments and some are mine alone. You can find the original article HERE

1. Accept and Keep the custody agreement:

Most custody agreements are not entirely fair for one or both of the parents. It usually means that one parent has to have Christmas Eve while another has Christmas Day or half and half. It is NEVER convenient or ideal but it also was not intended that marriage should END, so that being said we can probably all agree that some complications are probably expected. The best thing we can do for children is to accept what is and make the very best out of it. That will increase your holiday peace by leaps and bounds.

2. Allow your child to feel their emotions:

It is not easy for a "divorced kid" anymore than it is for a divorced parent so remember that when your children feel put out by having to go separate places for holidays. If you can get along with your ex, try to do it for the kids. If you can't, help your child to understand that they have two parents who love them and want time with them and don't add fuel to the fire by acting out resentment in front of your children. They are feeling enough emotion that they don't need to add guilt to it by feeling pulled and tugged.

3. Plan and Communicate:

It is important to talk with your ex about specific drop off and pick up times so that your holiday traditions can be done as well as his/hers. The child/children in the situation will feel much less pulled around if everything is clear for both parents. Conflicts occur where communication drops off.

4. Equality is key:

It is understandable to think that you should buy more gifts or better gifts for your biological child but this is imperative not to do. Make sure your biological children and your step children feel loved and treated equally this holiday season and every day. It is not their fault that they are in this situation.

5. Yes, buy your ex a gift from the kid(s)

I loved this tip. What a beautiful way to show your kids that you love them by thinking about their mother or father on Christmas no matter what your romantic feelings are. To truly love your child is to love and respect the other parent, barring that they are abused in any way by them.

These are my five tips for the day. Again, you can read the original article at the link above but I wanted to highlight the ones I liked and write my own take on them. I pray for you a peaceful and happy holiday season!

Dinner's Ready!!

Today I am going to talk about the importance of family dinner so I thought it appropriate to put one of my favorite Family Dinner clips up.. Enjoy!



I found an article on

Healthline.

by Dr. Nancy L. Brown about the importance of Family Dinner and thought it was necessary to write about it. I decided after reading this article that I should post some ideas on how to make family dinner fun and something that you look forward to each day.

Erica's ten tips for making Family Dinner a blast!

• Have a theme! Eat dinner around the table and finish up with family movie night and keep the theme rolling. Watch "Lady and the Tramp" with Pasta and "Chicken Little" with a chicken dinner (okay that one may be a bit disturbing) and pancakes for dinner on "Elf" night. The kids will love it and will it build excitement for the next themed dinner. Don't be afraid to do more than just the movie: Speak in accents, wear costumes, and even be characters. Anything that is fun to do makes your family closer
• Have your children/spouse help prepare the meal. Anything that you invest in is always a bit more rewarding. Have each person have a task and something that they can add to the meal. Have little kids set the table or do bread service and older kids can do side dishes or be the waiter!
• Set the mood: Always make sure all distractions are taken away from at least one hour to have dinner. This means silence cell phones, turn off the tv, and make sure pets are fed or have gone outside. This is family time and distractions speak no investment.
• Due to schedule conflicts and busy days this is something that probably can't happen every day. If it can, great...if not, set aside a day of the week that everyone is at the table for a meal. If you can't do dinner, make it breakfast or lunch. Whatever works for your family and creates consistency is going to help you bond.
• If cooking isn't your thing, that is okay! If you would rather have a night out for dinner that works too. Order pizza from your favorite Pizzeria and take the stress out of preparing or go to a restaurant that you all love and enjoy while having family time. Just make sure this restaurant isn't too noisy to enjoy your family and talk.
• Have some sort of tradition at your dinners. This is covered in the article I read about praying before meals and that is certainly a tradition in my home but adding a bit more to this, what about asking everyone what their biggest blessing of their day was and the biggest challenge or something they have learned that day.
• Designate a "family member of the day" and let that person be special for that particular dinner. For example, let them pick the meal, dessert, etc.. and have everyone at the table go around and genuinely compliment the person of the day. This can help with sibling rivalry as it gives a socially acceptable chance to actually admit you like your little sister. :)
• Let each family create a rule for family dinner time. Examples might be "No topic is out of bounds" or "Cell phones must be put in another room on silent before dinner."
• Make a game out of clean up: Watch your kids for appropriate dinner behavior including opening up, sharing, being positive, affirming other family members, and proper manners and allow them off of clean up duty if they do great! Have those family members that are not off duty have designated tasks so that clean up is not overwhelming.
• Parents: Use this time to model love and compassion to your spouse. Thank your husband/wife for passing the potatoes, hold hands across the table, and pull out chairs husbands. This models for your sons/daughters how compassion and love looks and helps them sort out respect and honor for their future husbands/wives. We learn most by what we see, not what we hear!

I hope you all institute at least one family meal a week and get creative and enjoy it. Especially with the holidays right around the corner. Enjoy each other!

In Laws or Out Laws?

In each family, there is always the joining of two families that creates what a lot of people find difficult, IN LAWS. I am not just speaking of the mother and father in laws but also brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, etc... If this is a topic that causes you to feel anxiety, you are probably like about 99% of the population. I found an article with some tips (rules) for dealing with in laws on

FAMILY EDUCATION.

and thought I might add or take away from this list and create my own... Five Basic Rules for "dealing" with In Laws:

Erica's Five Rules for dealing with In Laws:

1. Marriage First

The main rule that I would want you to know is that your marriage always comes first. I take this (myself) from scripture where it says "For this reason, a man will LEAVE his mother and father and be united to his wife." Mark 10:7 This argument can be made for that reason but it has mental health reasons too. If you are never on the same page with each other to have a first priority than often times, things go awry. An example is Date Night. Imagine that you and your husband/wife have date night every single Friday. It is an appointment you have made with each other with the only exception being emergencies or being unexpectedly needed at your job. It is a normal week and your mother in law asks your husband/wife to come and do some work at the house that she needs done and it is imperative that it happen on Friday night. If your husband/wife caves into this and does the thing that his/her mother needs, it is a direct choice for putting his/her parent first and not his/her marriage. I should note, that if you both decide that it is okay to reschedule date night,that is absolutely fine but if one of you decides without the other...you are creating a potential in law issue. That leads me to my next rule...

2. Always have and keep boundaries with your in laws:

If you have a rule in your house that there is no smoking but your father in law smokes, he will need to exit the house and do that outside. This is plain and simple and should be enforced by both partners but upheld directly by the person whose family it is. It is important for your family to completely respect you and your spouse's wishes regardless of their own choices in their own homes or lives. If they do not, it is time to create a plan on consequences to not doing so. In the smoking example, if your father lights up in the house, it is your job to say "Dad, you need to go outside, we don't smoke in here" and then if the problem continues, you need to talk to your dad about being at your home and how if he insists on smoking, you will need to visit together somewhere else. This can get much stickier when involving grandchildren, however, at that point boundaries are more important than ever in how you wish to raise your children. They have raised theirs and its time for you to decide how these children are raised TOGETHER with your spouse.

3. Nix the Passive Aggressive Nonsense:

It is never appropriate to purposely alienate or treat anyone with disrespect so it is important that if your in law has done something to hurt you, that you confront that behavior. Yes, it is scary to think about your mother in law or sister in law or whomever not liking you but the other potential outcome is fatal to your marriage. If you allow your in laws to continue to hurt you or disrespect first of all you are sending a message that you will take it. Secondly, you are building a volcano of emotion. One day, you will have one injury too many and say exactly what you think about how she raised her precious son or how you weren't wishing for them as a family either. It will do irreparable damage to that relationship and possibly your marriage.

4. As Cheap Trick said "Don't be cruel":

It is never okay to call names or disrespect your in laws. We all are going to have opinions and say things when alone with our spouse but calling their mother/father etc.. names is not just hurtful to that person but to your spouse. They will have to repair the damage you have done most likely and it is hard to support your spouse when they are in the wrong. Deal as an adult with the issues that arise with your in laws. If they call you names, it doesn't mean you should respond in turn. Be the change you want in your family!!!

and ......

5. Try to have fun even if the circumstances aren't great!

Remember that this same person that you are having trouble with either gave birth to your spouse or they are an integral part of his/her life. Ask your spouse to help you see the positive in that person and start to make a point of looking for it. This is a lifelong relationship so get over yourself and be the bigger person. I should note here as well that if your in laws are abusing you in any way (example: threatening you bodily harm) than it is completely appropriate to sever that relationship. Never let someone take away your most basic rights no matter who they are related to. I know you can!

Have a wonderful holiday...and enjoy the comical picture I chose for this post! A little tongue in cheek..maybe!

Date Night is over?

I just read the following statistic about families and found my second topic to discuss.

"New parents experienced declines in leisure time with their spouses in the initial months after the birth of their first child; although, shared leisure time increased in the latter half of the child’s first year, the amount of time spouses spent in shared leisure activities at the end of their child’s first year did not return to pre-parenthood levels." Familyfacts.org

Although I can completely understand this statistic, it scares me a bit in how marriages work after children. I think that there is something to say for trying to find a way to keep that "spouse leisure time" that they talk about while also attending to your child's needs. After all, I think most of us would agree that parents being in love and happy are one of their children's needs.

I had a few thoughts on why this might be paramount to your child's health as well as your personal well being. Here are just a few of those thoughts...

1. How can you parent successfully as a TEAM if the TEAM never talks and really creates the unity that it needs?

2. How does the child that you love experience and observe love and compassion if they never see you take time for the person that you vowed to love?

3. How does the child learn self care if they see that you only spend time on them and never on developing relationships outside of them, including with their other parent?

These questions that I am posing I realize are easier said than done. I am not so delusional to think that after having a child you have time or money for a weekly date night where you go out for 5-6 hours for a night on the town and pay a sitter. NO, what I am thinking is even having a weekly time of an hour where it is just you and your spouse alone (perhaps during bed time or nap time) and perhaps one day a month where you get together for something other than that. I would argue that your marriage is worth the $50 in babysitting even if you just go out for Frozen Yogurt together and talk!

Nurture your marriage especially when you have children, you are teaching them fundamental lessons about investing in those that they love!

As Tevye says; "TRADITION"

When I think of the Holidays, one word that comes into my head immediately is "Tradition." When I think of the word tradition, the first thing that pops into my mind is "Fiddler on the Roof." I have given you the video of the song "Tradition" where Tevye talks about how the Jewish people have always had traditions and they "make the people know who they are and what God expects them to do."




This opening scene of "Fiddler on the Roof" got me to thinking about how traditions really do form us in our families. I have traditions on Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years that if not performed, would make me feel like it wasn't right. I think the same goes for our families and how we relate to each other, treat each other, and even talk about each other. In some families, the rule is to not share any family details outside of the family. This keeps many families from seeking mental health services.

In some families, it is considered normal to not speak with your family members for years at a time. For other families, this would be considered estranged and would cause them distress. For some families, it might be completely normal to ignore things in the family that are taboo or not accepted while others talk about it at every family dinner and it ends in a verbal altercation. We all come from a family and have family "traditions" that we are carrying around even if it means we have no traditions..that is our tradition. I know, that was confusing.

I think that Tevye is right in that Traditions do tell us who we are. We use these traditions as a way of belonging to our families. I found this quote while researching Family Traditions and thought it was a funny way to start this month of talking about family....



When I was a boy, my family took
great care with our snapshots.
We really planned them.
We posed in front of expensive cars,
homes that weren't ours.
We borrowed dogs.
Almost every family picture taken
of us when I was young
had a different borrowed dog in it. -- Richard Avedon

I thought it was funny but it also made me think about how many of us are walking around being someone we aren't due to tradition. It might be tradition to hide all of your pain. It may be tradition to say yes to everything because you are afraid of what no brings. It may be tradition to allow some family members to tell you how to parent your children or live your life and you don't like it..but it's tradition.

There is also a great side to tradition. The research says that traditions can help keep families together, help keep children off of drugs, and keep generations connected. These are the traditions I am going to talk about first. I might as well start out pleasant huh?

Do you have any family traditions that have helped form and keep your family together?

In my family, we have tons of traditions. I will share a few of ours with you so that you have incentive to share with me.

Anthony and My traditions:

-- Each year on Thanksgiving, we always eat at our house and very rarely have it with other family members. This is not because we don't love our family but rather because it is a great time for Anthony and I to just be married people and thank God for the marriage we have. We eat a fantastic meal that we prepare together, watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, watch Christmas movies, put our tree up, and cuddle up on the couch with a glass of wine. It is one of my favorite days of the year. I love my family and call each one of them to say Happy Thanksgiving...but that is the only way we talk!

-- Each year Anthony and I buy an ornament for our Christmas tree that depicts the kind of year we had. Sometimes it is humorous and only we would get it and sometimes it is painful and everyone would catch on. This year, it is a little Starbucks Cup that we just got the other day to thank God for coffee bringing us some peace in our home. (There is a lot to this story)

-- Each year we create a thankfulness box. On Thanksgiving we started the box and it is just a shoe box that I created to be fancy with scrapbook paper. Each day of the year, we take an index card and write on it something we are very thankful for that day. We put it in the box and on Thanksgiving, we wrap it up like a Christmas gift and put it under our tree. On Christmas day it is the last thing we open and we read them aloud to remember all that God has done throughout the year. We start it up every Thanksgiving for the new year. This keeps us so mindful to be thankful and to consider that even bad days, have great things in them!

-- There is a painful anniversary for Anthony and I that we usually just want to be alone for. We decided to pick a restaurant that is both tasty and expensive that we would not normally go to and we take that day, turn off the cell phones, and go eat a fancy expensive dinner and talk about whatever we want because that is our day to be sad about what we have gone through. The other days of the year are days to be thankful and full of joy but sometimes, you have to grieve.

There is a little of my family to yours...what are your traditions and do they make you feel closer to your family?

Happy December ...only 24 days until Christmas!