In Laws or Out Laws?

In each family, there is always the joining of two families that creates what a lot of people find difficult, IN LAWS. I am not just speaking of the mother and father in laws but also brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, etc... If this is a topic that causes you to feel anxiety, you are probably like about 99% of the population. I found an article with some tips (rules) for dealing with in laws on

FAMILY EDUCATION.

and thought I might add or take away from this list and create my own... Five Basic Rules for "dealing" with In Laws:

Erica's Five Rules for dealing with In Laws:

1. Marriage First

The main rule that I would want you to know is that your marriage always comes first. I take this (myself) from scripture where it says "For this reason, a man will LEAVE his mother and father and be united to his wife." Mark 10:7 This argument can be made for that reason but it has mental health reasons too. If you are never on the same page with each other to have a first priority than often times, things go awry. An example is Date Night. Imagine that you and your husband/wife have date night every single Friday. It is an appointment you have made with each other with the only exception being emergencies or being unexpectedly needed at your job. It is a normal week and your mother in law asks your husband/wife to come and do some work at the house that she needs done and it is imperative that it happen on Friday night. If your husband/wife caves into this and does the thing that his/her mother needs, it is a direct choice for putting his/her parent first and not his/her marriage. I should note, that if you both decide that it is okay to reschedule date night,that is absolutely fine but if one of you decides without the other...you are creating a potential in law issue. That leads me to my next rule...

2. Always have and keep boundaries with your in laws:

If you have a rule in your house that there is no smoking but your father in law smokes, he will need to exit the house and do that outside. This is plain and simple and should be enforced by both partners but upheld directly by the person whose family it is. It is important for your family to completely respect you and your spouse's wishes regardless of their own choices in their own homes or lives. If they do not, it is time to create a plan on consequences to not doing so. In the smoking example, if your father lights up in the house, it is your job to say "Dad, you need to go outside, we don't smoke in here" and then if the problem continues, you need to talk to your dad about being at your home and how if he insists on smoking, you will need to visit together somewhere else. This can get much stickier when involving grandchildren, however, at that point boundaries are more important than ever in how you wish to raise your children. They have raised theirs and its time for you to decide how these children are raised TOGETHER with your spouse.

3. Nix the Passive Aggressive Nonsense:

It is never appropriate to purposely alienate or treat anyone with disrespect so it is important that if your in law has done something to hurt you, that you confront that behavior. Yes, it is scary to think about your mother in law or sister in law or whomever not liking you but the other potential outcome is fatal to your marriage. If you allow your in laws to continue to hurt you or disrespect first of all you are sending a message that you will take it. Secondly, you are building a volcano of emotion. One day, you will have one injury too many and say exactly what you think about how she raised her precious son or how you weren't wishing for them as a family either. It will do irreparable damage to that relationship and possibly your marriage.

4. As Cheap Trick said "Don't be cruel":

It is never okay to call names or disrespect your in laws. We all are going to have opinions and say things when alone with our spouse but calling their mother/father etc.. names is not just hurtful to that person but to your spouse. They will have to repair the damage you have done most likely and it is hard to support your spouse when they are in the wrong. Deal as an adult with the issues that arise with your in laws. If they call you names, it doesn't mean you should respond in turn. Be the change you want in your family!!!

and ......

5. Try to have fun even if the circumstances aren't great!

Remember that this same person that you are having trouble with either gave birth to your spouse or they are an integral part of his/her life. Ask your spouse to help you see the positive in that person and start to make a point of looking for it. This is a lifelong relationship so get over yourself and be the bigger person. I should note here as well that if your in laws are abusing you in any way (example: threatening you bodily harm) than it is completely appropriate to sever that relationship. Never let someone take away your most basic rights no matter who they are related to. I know you can!

Have a wonderful holiday...and enjoy the comical picture I chose for this post! A little tongue in cheek..maybe!